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From factor duffle coat…..

21 Jul

to ACTUAL duffel coat. Luckily I have 4 to choose from, all from the past 3 decades.

Here in Scotland,it’s nearly the end of July  it’s wet and IT’S BLOODY FREEZING!

The Beardy Man popped out to buy some snakaroonies to munch while watching the sports channel and while he was out I put the tumble dryer on. I like to live dangerously.

I didn’t want to chance firing up the heating system as it would not cool down by the time he had returned.

I popped down to Ayr today to visit my friends who are over from Belize. From one exotic place to another.

On my way there I noticed that people on the streets were wearing their winter jackets. All dark with fake fur hoods and dark faces to match. Everyone looked so bloody miserable.They should be happy! They live by the seaside!

My friends now have arthritis because it’s so cold! They had the heating on and were wearing jumpers and hats. I must admit even I was melting and I had a wee fat burny face within half an hour.

The Beardy Man couldn’t come as he has a big exam looming. Anyway I was glad he wasn’t there as he would have pretended to go to the loo and we would have found him in the electricity cupboard watching the wheel going round and round.

Sadly wearing your winter coat sometimes does not protect you from the driving Scottish rain. And umbrellas have a short life, no matter how expensive, or even if they have been designed by SPLUCH.

Not only that, they are a danger to the public.I have nearly had my eye out at bus stops, and put my back out ducking the brollys walking down Buchanan street.

But I think I may have found the solution. No more brollys! Primark are selling rain coats with hoods for 5 quid!Or you can buy a “mac in a bag”. I have a red one that I bought years ago. It lives at the bottom of my bag. Do I look stupid? You bet. But I don’t look stupid when I turn up at my destination with hair and make-up in tact……ok,maybe just a wee bit.

I tried to go online and get a picture for you to have a wee look at but their site is not working! The best way I can describe them is knee-length with a hood, flowers on a dark background or red with white spots. The blokes department have cagouls of different shapes and sizes all for under a tenner.Or you can go on-line and check out these bad boys. Over a tenner but some are nice and bright, and you won’t get hit by a car in the pissing rain!

You can go to the ever wonderful Poundland and buy a see thru hooded cape. Ideal for festivals and when on your bike. Yep they look stupid but it’s better than getting wet or wearing the dreaded RAINMATE!

You can never look sexy in a rainmate ( but you can in a poncho..I have 4 ) I don’t even think Mr Grey would subject Ms Steele to wearing one during BDSM.I remember when I was young my aunt’s friend used to wear one. But she also sported a nicotine stained moustache.

So I have come to the conclusion that the cheapest way to keep dry in the summer is to wear a hat and go naked. The skin is waterproof after all and we all have it so lets get it out for summer!

The only request I would have is that ugly people stay in doors.

C’mon feel the…..

6 May

…wrath of my hairdresser

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Yep,that’s me on the far right.

I trust my hairdresser. And I love the fact I go to her house with a wet mop of hair, and leave in half an hour with exactly what I asked for. And it costs me 15 quid. However, over the years I have realised that we should not get into heated discussions as we both get very animated, distracted and I end up with less hair than I bargained for. This time the discussion was about the great North   South divide and the injustice.

The Beardy Man has been singing Slade songs, and I have been surprised at how many he knows, especially as he is a metal head.He has also been informing me that I will now be accepted for the Star Trek Vulcan Academy, despite failing my Klingon “A” level.

However, my hair grows quickly and going to a salon is out of the question as I hate being ripped off. And to be honest if you are a woman with hair and want it cut you get charged more than a man.

For example, the Beardy Man just got his hair cut today. He got a cut and blow dry. It cost him 12 quid!  It costs me 35 quid. I usually get the speech that I have long hair blah blah blah. But what they don’t take into account I just get the ends trimmed and my fringe cut! AND I’m not into all this product and straightening lark, or the styling blow-dry. My face often looks smacked and sunburned due to the inferno heat from the turbo charged supersonic hairdryer.  And I get to witness it all in front of a giant mirror next to the window that looks onto a busy street and is situated directly next to traffic lights.So now I just get on with it at home and save a fortune and my dignity.

So here goes for the low down on savings:

Hair Dye- Boots Botanics- £4.99 per box and sometimes 3 for 2. Roots touched up every fortnight (it’s a curse)

Hairdressing scissors-Boots – £10. Beardy Man cuts my fringe(extra bonus when he takes on the personality of a really grumpy hairdresser!)

Visit to my hairdresser every 3 months £15.00.

Just check out these price lists!

Rita Rusk      Monkey Business (I do like their website)    eurohair and beauty and the last 2 are at the cheaper end.

In some salons the price varies depending on the stylist attending to your head! I always pitch for the new start which is why I have had the hair bear bunch experience.

Ok it was the 80’s and spiral perms were in.

This isn’t me BTW but the perm is similar, only that I have a bald patch where my “widow’s peak” should be.

Once upon a time I had a “Louise Brookes” bob. I loved it.

The only problem was that due to my low neck line at the back I needed my neck shaved every 2 weeks. My pal called it “gorilla neck syndrome”.

Big Jack (my grandpa aka “Pop”) told me to go to “Shaky Jakes” the barber that he frequented for his “short back and sides”. I introduced myself and told him pop had sent me. But he wouldn’t shave my neck because I was female. Anyway he was shaking too much that I thought it best to leave well alone. So I let my pal Graham shave my neck every 2 weeks, with a bic razor.

I think most of my family suffer from commaphobia (ok so I made that up, I stuck some latin onto phobia) my big cuz Queen Marie is the same, and my brother has taken to the 2012 version of the comb-over and shaves his head with a blunt butter knife.

Anyway, it’s all about building up trust, and that’s what we all need to do with our hairdresser. They can make you look beautiful for a day, or you can be ugly for a whole 2 weeks. That’s the difference between a good and bad hair cut.

Well I’m off to find a winged gold jumpsuit and guitar. If I’m gonna be a whole load of ugly I may as well make some money out of it….

Bad boys bikes and bargains….VROOM!

26 Feb

I love a leather clad bad boy me.

My Big Cuz Queen Marie got me in to bad boys and bikes when I was young. She used to have this poster  of Dave Lee Roth on the ceiling above her bed.

We would lie staring at him listening to Van Halen. And so the love for badness and long hair ( and later beards) began at a young age

The Beardy Man is a fair-weather biker just because his Red 600 Fazer doesn’t like the rain. He has a 1974 Honda, in boxes.So he nips about in his dad’s (Paw Kettle) wee green Peugeot, longing for the freedom and speed of his bike.We often hear the roar of bike engines as they speed through our wee village at night. I hear the Beardy Man sob into his pillow and mutter “Bastards”.

Anyway I thought I would share the Beardy Man’s excitement and disappointment.

On Thursday the 7th of March Aldi are bringing to a shop near you a shed load of biker goodies.

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They are selling compression underwear at £7.99, top and bottom separately,as well as thermal socks

They are selling helmets at £29.99

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 And neck warmers,gloves and balaclava
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They are selling boots at £29.99, however the sizes start from a 7, so any female bikers with small feet will have to search elsewhere, or buy loads of thermal socks!

I love Parthan gloves simply because they make me think of pig’s trotters.I used to have a pair.

The Beardy Man is a Trekkie and calls them vulcan gloves. I also had the sticky on ears for my helmet, pig ones of course!

The only problem I had was that when I was on the back of the bike and numptys with no road sense would pull out or drive too close, giving them the finger just didn’t work. I just looked like a waving demented pig.

Buying the right size of helmet was a laugh a minute….for the Beardy Man. We were in the shop and I tried on the parthan gloves wishing they were pink, and the Beardy Man spotted a helmet “Big enough to take a cabbage”.

He popped it on my head for size and walked off to the other end of the shop. Just at that the visor closed and I couldn’t get it open because of my gloves.

I spiralled into a panic and ran all the way through the shop shouting for help. The Beardy Man said I looked like an extra from a bad sci-fi movie, knocking over everything in my path.  I could have died in that helmet. We left the shop with no purchases as the Beardy Man couldn’t stop laughing and I was mortified and went in a huff.

Anyway back to the bargains of Aldi, apart from the motorcycle goods there are plenty of other buys such as duvets,air compressors, screwdriver sets and drill bits. The gardening goods are also on sale with cute wee ankle wellies on offer as well as grow bags and compost bins.

So I’m thinking of buying seeds and planting my own flowers and vegetables. I am hoping that I will be able to grow cabbages to make soup and coleslaw. And when the Beardy Man goes to buy me a bike helmet I won’t need to go, he can just take a cabbage and let it try the helmets for size.

I’m off to ogle some bad boys on bikes.

VROOM!VROOM!

I WANT to know you Dave. Truly I do. Call me.

Love hearts and all that crap

17 Feb

I hate Valentines.

I did get a card from Donny Osmond when I was wee. He even hand delivered it as there was no stamp. He was on my door step!

And does anyone remember these that were usually written on the envelope?

I.T.A.L.Y.

S.W.A.L.K

H.O.L.L.A.N.D

U.R.U.G.L.Y

Ok the last one I made up.

But lets face it, it’s just another load of commercial bollocks. Or on the other hand  do we need a little escapism from this current climate?

Anyway I could go on about it but it’s just I hate the hype and all the crap you are pressured in to buying . Like ugly cuddly toys

and huge padded valentines cards

and sexy edible undies,beef jerky flavour.

So there I was in M and S. I have been on the hunt for their reduced in price chocolate and hoped I would find their “ginger discs”. Nae joy. And the usual 10 quid meal for 2  was still on. BUT it was now 20 quid as they added on a side and a box of chocs. After fighting my way through the false teeth and twin set brigade I was left bitterly disappointed. The chocolates they were throwing in were, quite frankly,in a word,shite. I could use big fancy florid descriptive words, it’s M and S after all, but shite sums it up.

So I just decided to buy enchiladas and bought veggie Percy pigs. Why veggie when I am scoffing chicken by the ton? Well, the pig sweets are made with PORK gelatin! How sick is that! There you are a cute wee pig spending your last days in your wee field knowing that your life will end soon to be turned into piggie sweets for spoiled weans! Pig suicides are on the rise.

You are probably wondering where the money-saving tips are. Well when it comes to food for a special occasion it’s better to buy what you want rather than what is cheap. Tesco and Morrisons are also offering the  10 quid meal deal, so you are better to shop around. Also I was given insider info on Waitrose. Wednesday nights the price of food is reduced as it is at sell by date. There is a delivery on a Thursday and they need to make space.So next Wednesday night I will be wearing my pearls and twin set and talking all posh pushing my golden trolley around Waitrose, and I will take no prisoners!

Hopefully they will be selling their Valentines cards cheap. And I will be posting this one  to Donny next year

Just don’t tell the Beardy Man or my breakfast in bed will come to an abrupt end.

I’m bored….

5 Feb

….so I’m eating my body weight and the Beardy Man’s in post-Christmas crap.

We got lots of tins of sweets and biscuits, and to stop us eating them we put them on top of our kitchen cupboards. Yep like that’s gonna stop us.If I can’t reach the bad stuff I’ll just buy a spider monkey to fetch it down for me.

So it’s almost gone, and we have cultivated lovely little wobbly bellies to show that we have appreciated our edible presents. Although the beardy man thinks I am boiling all his clothes and that is why they are tight. Bless. I’m such a good liar. There is nothing worse than a weeping man with moobs perched on the edge of the mattress.

But I just can’t help myself. I am greedy and slowly beginning to resemble a cross between Mandy Dingle

and Jabba the hut.

Aldi were selling off their Panettone for 2 quid! I couldn’t resist it. It has taken  a week and a half for me to scoff it. I cut it into big stars. I folded a slice in half and took it to work. Dear god it was fab. And cutting it in half means there are fewer calories. It does. No seriously. Something to do with breaking down molecules.

Oh but I didn’t stop there. Poundland are selling “Old Jamaica Rum” Chocolate.

It’s packging has changed and looks uninteresting. I would have bought more if it had the original wrapper!I have not seen it for years so I bought a bar then a pack of Thornton’s Continental, a peppermint aero ,then a milka bar, oh and jelly babies. I was disappointed that I did not spy any frys chocolate cream, and have been on a search for the past couple of days…and found it sitting snuggly under the counter of the old-fashioned sweetie shop “The sweet spot” at Hamilton’s Top Cross.They also sell macaroon bars of which I bought a few, and tablet (I can just feel my teeth rotting at the thought of the sugary deliciousness!)

The shop has been there for years. It has changed name and hands a few times, but it remains a popular shop and a permanent fixture in Hamilton. If you go in for one item, be warned you will buy loads of goodies that you don’t need. It’s retro sweetie heaven.

Then I decided to go and have a wee look in the body shop. I don’t normally bother, but I was exhausted after my sweetie trek and felt I deserved a wee treat. And lo, there for £9 was a delicious bargain to behold!

Yep chocolate for my skin! I asked the woman if I could have a spoon to taste the body scrub. That’s how delicious it smelled! So I bought them. They have been created for that nonsense Valentines Day.

I now smell so good and chocolately that I am in love with myself and I am off to buy myself a valentines card. I shall write it out with my left hand and post it when I am drunk. That way it will be a surprise.

I couldn’t agree more.

Elvis spotted in Glasgow

19 Jan

I saw him. I did! He was behind the counter in Watt Brothers.


You can always find a wee bargain at Watt Bros. The mammy worships regularly at the shop of wonder and much cheapest.Her photo is above the door.
So for those who don’t know, Watt Bros is the West Coast of Scotland’s best kept secret.
There are stores in Hamilton,Lanark,Clarkston and Glasgow.
You can buy anything from make-up to Egyptian cotton sheets to a big slipper

and big talking Elvis head

So there I was clutching a travel iron (£8) and a set of 6 table mats (£4) and looking at the Benefit and stilo make-up (£3-£6) when I saw Elvis behind the counter staring and winking at me.I was mesmerised.

It was £20.Yep £20! Bargain. Then Big Doc popped into my head. He would love it. He phones Elvis on his mobile when I am pissing him off. Having Elvis there to chat to would be the perfect birthday present.But I was travelling by public transport, and had just bought a whole load of clothes from Guccimark, so carrying Elvis was gonna be a problem.

I usually got the 4.55pm bus from Buchanan St bus station. And it was  usually the same driver.I called him Busface.

He never smiled. He would charge me full fare for Elvis, I was sure of it. If I hid Elvis in a bag he may suffocate or start singing, either way the bus journey would bring on a panic attack.I decided to leave Elvis and go back and get him the following week. Bad idea.

So I phoned all the shops. Elvis had left all the Watt buildings. I was sad. I decided not to tell Big Doc about the nearly Elvis present.He would have sacked me and found a new pal.

But I did go back and buy myself a lovely wax coat. You know the one, the one with the cape thing attached. It was purple. It was handy for when I was out and about for work in the pouring rain in the east end of Glasgow.

So then I realised that I was seeing women all over the city wearing the same coat. Different colours,same style and tartan lining.But one thing I noticed, all of the women were over the age of 60. And even the mammy commented on how minging it was. The coat is now part of my pig cuddling uniform, and they love to chew the zip and buttons.

However if you live in Scotland go shop at Watt. If you are from out of Scotland and might visit one day, please visit Watt as part of your bus tour around Glasgow, after all it is an institution and in between museums. Plus you can buy a whole load of Scottish crap and not get ripped off!

Happy shopping. And if you see Elvis, can you drop me an email? Ta.

A new edition to the family

11 Jan

Yes he arrived just before baby Jesus birthday…our wee baby Brennan.


The Beardy Man had bought me Classic Rock Magazine as there was an interview with Bill Nelson (an overlooked guitar hero).

As usual I didn’t get the chance to look at it first, the Beardy Man retreated to his office, the room where we keep the shower, to catch up on guitar gossip.Then I heard a stumbling as he tumbled into the living room clutching the magazine and his trousers. He was babbling and looking all bright-eyed as though he had discovered something wonderful and no-one else knew about it.Then he placed the magazine on my lap.There, gracing the page in all its petite glory was the “Baby Brennan”. Ahhh. I was smitten. Then he then explained all about the Brennan jb7.I wanted one. NOW!

We re-read the article and searched online. We read the official website info and watched the infomercials on youtube.We were very impressed. Then reality hit. How much would this cost? Given the rate of inflation and the cost of anything gadgety I decided that it would be nearly a grand.Then the Beardy Man said that it was just under £500 for 500 gb. A pound a gigabyte? Surely you haver? I thought about it for a nano second and then said “Lets buy it!”

We justified buying it as we had not bought each other birthday presents, as we didn’t know what we wanted and didn’t need anything at the time. And we were giving each other a warm firm hand shake for Christmas. So it was settled. We were getting one.

We cleared a space on top of our defunct minidisk player. The Beardy Man set about setting it up. It has it’s own built in amp so we could connect straight to the speakers. However we have a fab Arcam amp and big fek off Tannoy speakers so we rigged it up through these for the ultimate music experience. It has an alarm clock and we were awakend by Metallica followed by Puccini and decided to get up with Sugar Pie Desanto. Pure culture in oor hoose.

What I like about it is the simplicity of it. You upload your cd’s and then put them away or sell them. I use the random button and let it play whatever it wants. We have a pact, no matter how crap the cd it goes in the baby Brennan (psst….I love Rick Astley…don’t tell a soul…..thanks) but we blame the other for the bad taste cd (Beardy Man has some crackers…Bjork) We also have the option of downloading our tapes and LP’s and of course our mini disks. Some of our cd’s are not recognised so you have to put the info in manually using the dinky remote.The Beardy Man has a tantrum every time he puts Bjork into the jb7 as she is never recognised. It even recognises bad taste music,  how cool is that?

I just love the design, the sleekness, the simplicity and the tactile feeling of the remote.The remote is so small it fits in the palm of my hand, and I have wee hands. I buy children’s gloves.

Now it’s a family affair, my big Cuz Queen Marie is buying one, so is my uncle and my big Cuz David. We think Paw Kettle might get one too. Then we can have a baby Brennan party and link our jb7’s together and swap music!

So all in all it was a great Christmas, I looked after Santa really well and I was kept on to help clean the grotto and sort Santa’s clothes for next year. The Christmas dinner was fab, and I think my wee brother is moonlighting as a chef at some posh nosh place in the toon. And to top it all the mammy never mentioned the grim reaper.No not once. Well maybe when I was at the loo.

 

Health and happiness to all in 2012. Hope it’s a fantastic year!