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The Beardy man says….

17 Mar

Right. Do I need a hair cut? You need to tell me now, so it grows back in,in two weeks. I don’t look in mirrors so I can’t tell if it needs cut.


The Beardy Man says…

22 Jul

I know it looks to you that the lurpak tub is empty.The lurpak tub is NOT empty. I can run bread roon the tub and then make my pieces.

From factor duffle coat…..

21 Jul

to ACTUAL duffel coat. Luckily I have 4 to choose from, all from the past 3 decades.

Here in Scotland,it’s nearly the end of July  it’s wet and IT’S BLOODY FREEZING!

The Beardy Man popped out to buy some snakaroonies to munch while watching the sports channel and while he was out I put the tumble dryer on. I like to live dangerously.

I didn’t want to chance firing up the heating system as it would not cool down by the time he had returned.

I popped down to Ayr today to visit my friends who are over from Belize. From one exotic place to another.

On my way there I noticed that people on the streets were wearing their winter jackets. All dark with fake fur hoods and dark faces to match. Everyone looked so bloody miserable.They should be happy! They live by the seaside!

My friends now have arthritis because it’s so cold! They had the heating on and were wearing jumpers and hats. I must admit even I was melting and I had a wee fat burny face within half an hour.

The Beardy Man couldn’t come as he has a big exam looming. Anyway I was glad he wasn’t there as he would have pretended to go to the loo and we would have found him in the electricity cupboard watching the wheel going round and round.

Sadly wearing your winter coat sometimes does not protect you from the driving Scottish rain. And umbrellas have a short life, no matter how expensive, or even if they have been designed by SPLUCH.

Not only that, they are a danger to the public.I have nearly had my eye out at bus stops, and put my back out ducking the brollys walking down Buchanan street.

But I think I may have found the solution. No more brollys! Primark are selling rain coats with hoods for 5 quid!Or you can buy a “mac in a bag”. I have a red one that I bought years ago. It lives at the bottom of my bag. Do I look stupid? You bet. But I don’t look stupid when I turn up at my destination with hair and make-up in tact……ok,maybe just a wee bit.

I tried to go online and get a picture for you to have a wee look at but their site is not working! The best way I can describe them is knee-length with a hood, flowers on a dark background or red with white spots. The blokes department have cagouls of different shapes and sizes all for under a tenner.Or you can go on-line and check out these bad boys. Over a tenner but some are nice and bright, and you won’t get hit by a car in the pissing rain!

You can go to the ever wonderful Poundland and buy a see thru hooded cape. Ideal for festivals and when on your bike. Yep they look stupid but it’s better than getting wet or wearing the dreaded RAINMATE!

You can never look sexy in a rainmate ( but you can in a poncho..I have 4 ) I don’t even think Mr Grey would subject Ms Steele to wearing one during BDSM.I remember when I was young my aunt’s friend used to wear one. But she also sported a nicotine stained moustache.

So I have come to the conclusion that the cheapest way to keep dry in the summer is to wear a hat and go naked. The skin is waterproof after all and we all have it so lets get it out for summer!

The only request I would have is that ugly people stay in doors.

What’s that orange orb in the sky?

5 Jun

That would be the sun. And it has me reaching for Factor “Duffel Coat

I have a love hate relationship with the sun. I like that it brings life and happiness to a usual depressing bleak landscape,but I hate having to show my skin and I burn.

I used to desperately want a tan, and ended up in hospital with sunstroke when I lived in Jersey C.I.  I looked like an extra from alien especially when I shed a whole load of skin.I suppose using “after sun” instead of sunscreen was a bad idea. Oh and swimming in the sea from 11 am until 3pm. With blue skin.

I also suffered as a child when on holiday in Anstruther. We didn’t use lotion back in the 70’s in Scotland. Everyone knew you just got a tan abroad, or you might catch a wee bronze glo if you smothered yourself in butter. Yep, you read right.

The Beardy Man told me of his first holiday abroad. He was in Ibiza with Maw and Paw kettle. They were on the beach next to another Scottish family.The Scottish ginger haired man covered himself in coconut oil. He then lay on tinfoil. He was airlifted to hospital as he had cooked himself.

I spent 3 months in Belize working in a school in Dangriga. I took 6 bottles of sun lotion. All factor 50. The kids used to laugh when I put my lotion on and the teacher would explain that I lived in a country where we very rarely see the sun. The kids would also make sure I had an umbrella.

Anyway I came home with 2 small brown patches on the back of my hands and that was it. People thought I had been locked in a cupboard for three months.

So my affair with the sun has left me embracing my “casperness”  and wearing factor 50 on my face every day, even during winter, and then on the skin that I show during the summer.

So as you can imagine I shop around for sun tan lotion. I often by factor 50 children’s lotion, but since I have been researching for this post I have discovered that the only difference between adult and child sun lotion is that there is less perfume in the children’s lotion, and it’s more expensive!

I have to say I always stick with Boots for my lotion because of my blue tinged skin. If I tanned easily I would love to use hawaiin tropics as I love the smell and it makes me think of holidays with my easily tanned friends. Although buying sun tan lotion in supermarkets seem to be a good option. I would probably buy my lotions in Semi Chem or Superdrug, but Boots own make and Simple always works for me. And I have a loyalty card. I’m saving points to get myself one of those IPL machines, and a generator.

So there we have it. A wee post to remind you all that no matter our skin type we need to keep safe in the sun. And we don’t want to all end up looking like Magda.


However we can also opt for a wee fake tan. There is no harm in it. As long as you have friends who speak the truth and mirrors in your home.

The Beardy Man says……

12 May

I found a shop today. Everything was a pound! Can’t remember what its called. You should check it out.

The Beardy Man says…

7 Apr

I was in the garage and I caught sight of a wee fat man on the shop cctv. He was wearing my t-shirt.
I turned to congratulate him on his excellent fashion sense, but no one was there. When did I turn into a wee fat middle aged man?

Bad boys bikes and bargains….VROOM!

26 Feb

I love a leather clad bad boy me.

My Big Cuz Queen Marie got me in to bad boys and bikes when I was young. She used to have this poster  of Dave Lee Roth on the ceiling above her bed.

We would lie staring at him listening to Van Halen. And so the love for badness and long hair ( and later beards) began at a young age

The Beardy Man is a fair-weather biker just because his Red 600 Fazer doesn’t like the rain. He has a 1974 Honda, in boxes.So he nips about in his dad’s (Paw Kettle) wee green Peugeot, longing for the freedom and speed of his bike.We often hear the roar of bike engines as they speed through our wee village at night. I hear the Beardy Man sob into his pillow and mutter “Bastards”.

Anyway I thought I would share the Beardy Man’s excitement and disappointment.

On Thursday the 7th of March Aldi are bringing to a shop near you a shed load of biker goodies.


They are selling compression underwear at £7.99, top and bottom separately,as well as thermal socks

They are selling helmets at £29.99


 And neck warmers,gloves and balaclava

They are selling boots at £29.99, however the sizes start from a 7, so any female bikers with small feet will have to search elsewhere, or buy loads of thermal socks!

I love Parthan gloves simply because they make me think of pig’s trotters.I used to have a pair.

The Beardy Man is a Trekkie and calls them vulcan gloves. I also had the sticky on ears for my helmet, pig ones of course!

The only problem I had was that when I was on the back of the bike and numptys with no road sense would pull out or drive too close, giving them the finger just didn’t work. I just looked like a waving demented pig.

Buying the right size of helmet was a laugh a minute….for the Beardy Man. We were in the shop and I tried on the parthan gloves wishing they were pink, and the Beardy Man spotted a helmet “Big enough to take a cabbage”.

He popped it on my head for size and walked off to the other end of the shop. Just at that the visor closed and I couldn’t get it open because of my gloves.

I spiralled into a panic and ran all the way through the shop shouting for help. The Beardy Man said I looked like an extra from a bad sci-fi movie, knocking over everything in my path.  I could have died in that helmet. We left the shop with no purchases as the Beardy Man couldn’t stop laughing and I was mortified and went in a huff.

Anyway back to the bargains of Aldi, apart from the motorcycle goods there are plenty of other buys such as duvets,air compressors, screwdriver sets and drill bits. The gardening goods are also on sale with cute wee ankle wellies on offer as well as grow bags and compost bins.

So I’m thinking of buying seeds and planting my own flowers and vegetables. I am hoping that I will be able to grow cabbages to make soup and coleslaw. And when the Beardy Man goes to buy me a bike helmet I won’t need to go, he can just take a cabbage and let it try the helmets for size.

I’m off to ogle some bad boys on bikes.


I WANT to know you Dave. Truly I do. Call me.