Archive | cosmetics RSS feed for this section

What’s that orange orb in the sky?

5 Jun

That would be the sun. And it has me reaching for Factor “Duffel Coat

I have a love hate relationship with the sun. I like that it brings life and happiness to a usual depressing bleak landscape,but I hate having to show my skin and I burn.

I used to desperately want a tan, and ended up in hospital with sunstroke when I lived in Jersey C.I.  I looked like an extra from alien especially when I shed a whole load of skin.I suppose using “after sun” instead of sunscreen was a bad idea. Oh and swimming in the sea from 11 am until 3pm. With blue skin.

I also suffered as a child when on holiday in Anstruther. We didn’t use lotion back in the 70’s in Scotland. Everyone knew you just got a tan abroad, or you might catch a wee bronze glo if you smothered yourself in butter. Yep, you read right.

The Beardy Man told me of his first holiday abroad. He was in Ibiza with Maw and Paw kettle. They were on the beach next to another Scottish family.The Scottish ginger haired man covered himself in coconut oil. He then lay on tinfoil. He was airlifted to hospital as he had cooked himself.

I spent 3 months in Belize working in a school in Dangriga. I took 6 bottles of sun lotion. All factor 50. The kids used to laugh when I put my lotion on and the teacher would explain that I lived in a country where we very rarely see the sun. The kids would also make sure I had an umbrella.

Anyway I came home with 2 small brown patches on the back of my hands and that was it. People thought I had been locked in a cupboard for three months.

So my affair with the sun has left me embracing my “casperness”  and wearing factor 50 on my face every day, even during winter, and then on the skin that I show during the summer.

So as you can imagine I shop around for sun tan lotion. I often by factor 50 children’s lotion, but since I have been researching for this post I have discovered that the only difference between adult and child sun lotion is that there is less perfume in the children’s lotion, and it’s more expensive!

I have to say I always stick with Boots for my lotion because of my blue tinged skin. If I tanned easily I would love to use hawaiin tropics as I love the smell and it makes me think of holidays with my easily tanned friends. Although buying sun tan lotion in supermarkets seem to be a good option. I would probably buy my lotions in Semi Chem or Superdrug, but Boots own make and Simple always works for me. And I have a loyalty card. I’m saving points to get myself one of those IPL machines, and a generator.

So there we have it. A wee post to remind you all that no matter our skin type we need to keep safe in the sun. And we don’t want to all end up looking like Magda.


However we can also opt for a wee fake tan. There is no harm in it. As long as you have friends who speak the truth and mirrors in your home.


I’m bored….

5 Feb

….so I’m eating my body weight and the Beardy Man’s in post-Christmas crap.

We got lots of tins of sweets and biscuits, and to stop us eating them we put them on top of our kitchen cupboards. Yep like that’s gonna stop us.If I can’t reach the bad stuff I’ll just buy a spider monkey to fetch it down for me.

So it’s almost gone, and we have cultivated lovely little wobbly bellies to show that we have appreciated our edible presents. Although the beardy man thinks I am boiling all his clothes and that is why they are tight. Bless. I’m such a good liar. There is nothing worse than a weeping man with moobs perched on the edge of the mattress.

But I just can’t help myself. I am greedy and slowly beginning to resemble a cross between Mandy Dingle

and Jabba the hut.

Aldi were selling off their Panettone for 2 quid! I couldn’t resist it. It has taken  a week and a half for me to scoff it. I cut it into big stars. I folded a slice in half and took it to work. Dear god it was fab. And cutting it in half means there are fewer calories. It does. No seriously. Something to do with breaking down molecules.

Oh but I didn’t stop there. Poundland are selling “Old Jamaica Rum” Chocolate.

It’s packging has changed and looks uninteresting. I would have bought more if it had the original wrapper!I have not seen it for years so I bought a bar then a pack of Thornton’s Continental, a peppermint aero ,then a milka bar, oh and jelly babies. I was disappointed that I did not spy any frys chocolate cream, and have been on a search for the past couple of days…and found it sitting snuggly under the counter of the old-fashioned sweetie shop “The sweet spot” at Hamilton’s Top Cross.They also sell macaroon bars of which I bought a few, and tablet (I can just feel my teeth rotting at the thought of the sugary deliciousness!)

The shop has been there for years. It has changed name and hands a few times, but it remains a popular shop and a permanent fixture in Hamilton. If you go in for one item, be warned you will buy loads of goodies that you don’t need. It’s retro sweetie heaven.

Then I decided to go and have a wee look in the body shop. I don’t normally bother, but I was exhausted after my sweetie trek and felt I deserved a wee treat. And lo, there for £9 was a delicious bargain to behold!

Yep chocolate for my skin! I asked the woman if I could have a spoon to taste the body scrub. That’s how delicious it smelled! So I bought them. They have been created for that nonsense Valentines Day.

I now smell so good and chocolately that I am in love with myself and I am off to buy myself a valentines card. I shall write it out with my left hand and post it when I am drunk. That way it will be a surprise.

I couldn’t agree more.

Elvis spotted in Glasgow

19 Jan

I saw him. I did! He was behind the counter in Watt Brothers.

You can always find a wee bargain at Watt Bros. The mammy worships regularly at the shop of wonder and much cheapest.Her photo is above the door.
So for those who don’t know, Watt Bros is the West Coast of Scotland’s best kept secret.
There are stores in Hamilton,Lanark,Clarkston and Glasgow.
You can buy anything from make-up to Egyptian cotton sheets to a big slipper

and big talking Elvis head

So there I was clutching a travel iron (£8) and a set of 6 table mats (£4) and looking at the Benefit and stilo make-up (£3-£6) when I saw Elvis behind the counter staring and winking at me.I was mesmerised.

It was £20.Yep £20! Bargain. Then Big Doc popped into my head. He would love it. He phones Elvis on his mobile when I am pissing him off. Having Elvis there to chat to would be the perfect birthday present.But I was travelling by public transport, and had just bought a whole load of clothes from Guccimark, so carrying Elvis was gonna be a problem.

I usually got the 4.55pm bus from Buchanan St bus station. And it was  usually the same driver.I called him Busface.

He never smiled. He would charge me full fare for Elvis, I was sure of it. If I hid Elvis in a bag he may suffocate or start singing, either way the bus journey would bring on a panic attack.I decided to leave Elvis and go back and get him the following week. Bad idea.

So I phoned all the shops. Elvis had left all the Watt buildings. I was sad. I decided not to tell Big Doc about the nearly Elvis present.He would have sacked me and found a new pal.

But I did go back and buy myself a lovely wax coat. You know the one, the one with the cape thing attached. It was purple. It was handy for when I was out and about for work in the pouring rain in the east end of Glasgow.

So then I realised that I was seeing women all over the city wearing the same coat. Different colours,same style and tartan lining.But one thing I noticed, all of the women were over the age of 60. And even the mammy commented on how minging it was. The coat is now part of my pig cuddling uniform, and they love to chew the zip and buttons.

However if you live in Scotland go shop at Watt. If you are from out of Scotland and might visit one day, please visit Watt as part of your bus tour around Glasgow, after all it is an institution and in between museums. Plus you can buy a whole load of Scottish crap and not get ripped off!

Happy shopping. And if you see Elvis, can you drop me an email? Ta.