The Beardy man says….

17 Mar

Right. Do I need a hair cut? You need to tell me now, so it grows back in,in two weeks. I don’t look in mirrors so I can’t tell if it needs cut.


The Beardy Man says…

22 Jul

I know it looks to you that the lurpak tub is empty.The lurpak tub is NOT empty. I can run bread roon the tub and then make my pieces.

From factor duffle coat…..

21 Jul

to ACTUAL duffel coat. Luckily I have 4 to choose from, all from the past 3 decades.

Here in Scotland,it’s nearly the end of July  it’s wet and IT’S BLOODY FREEZING!

The Beardy Man popped out to buy some snakaroonies to munch while watching the sports channel and while he was out I put the tumble dryer on. I like to live dangerously.

I didn’t want to chance firing up the heating system as it would not cool down by the time he had returned.

I popped down to Ayr today to visit my friends who are over from Belize. From one exotic place to another.

On my way there I noticed that people on the streets were wearing their winter jackets. All dark with fake fur hoods and dark faces to match. Everyone looked so bloody miserable.They should be happy! They live by the seaside!

My friends now have arthritis because it’s so cold! They had the heating on and were wearing jumpers and hats. I must admit even I was melting and I had a wee fat burny face within half an hour.

The Beardy Man couldn’t come as he has a big exam looming. Anyway I was glad he wasn’t there as he would have pretended to go to the loo and we would have found him in the electricity cupboard watching the wheel going round and round.

Sadly wearing your winter coat sometimes does not protect you from the driving Scottish rain. And umbrellas have a short life, no matter how expensive, or even if they have been designed by SPLUCH.

Not only that, they are a danger to the public.I have nearly had my eye out at bus stops, and put my back out ducking the brollys walking down Buchanan street.

But I think I may have found the solution. No more brollys! Primark are selling rain coats with hoods for 5 quid!Or you can buy a “mac in a bag”. I have a red one that I bought years ago. It lives at the bottom of my bag. Do I look stupid? You bet. But I don’t look stupid when I turn up at my destination with hair and make-up in tact……ok,maybe just a wee bit.

I tried to go online and get a picture for you to have a wee look at but their site is not working! The best way I can describe them is knee-length with a hood, flowers on a dark background or red with white spots. The blokes department have cagouls of different shapes and sizes all for under a tenner.Or you can go on-line and check out these bad boys. Over a tenner but some are nice and bright, and you won’t get hit by a car in the pissing rain!

You can go to the ever wonderful Poundland and buy a see thru hooded cape. Ideal for festivals and when on your bike. Yep they look stupid but it’s better than getting wet or wearing the dreaded RAINMATE!

You can never look sexy in a rainmate ( but you can in a poncho..I have 4 ) I don’t even think Mr Grey would subject Ms Steele to wearing one during BDSM.I remember when I was young my aunt’s friend used to wear one. But she also sported a nicotine stained moustache.

So I have come to the conclusion that the cheapest way to keep dry in the summer is to wear a hat and go naked. The skin is waterproof after all and we all have it so lets get it out for summer!

The only request I would have is that ugly people stay in doors.

What’s that orange orb in the sky?

5 Jun

That would be the sun. And it has me reaching for Factor “Duffel Coat

I have a love hate relationship with the sun. I like that it brings life and happiness to a usual depressing bleak landscape,but I hate having to show my skin and I burn.

I used to desperately want a tan, and ended up in hospital with sunstroke when I lived in Jersey C.I.  I looked like an extra from alien especially when I shed a whole load of skin.I suppose using “after sun” instead of sunscreen was a bad idea. Oh and swimming in the sea from 11 am until 3pm. With blue skin.

I also suffered as a child when on holiday in Anstruther. We didn’t use lotion back in the 70’s in Scotland. Everyone knew you just got a tan abroad, or you might catch a wee bronze glo if you smothered yourself in butter. Yep, you read right.

The Beardy Man told me of his first holiday abroad. He was in Ibiza with Maw and Paw kettle. They were on the beach next to another Scottish family.The Scottish ginger haired man covered himself in coconut oil. He then lay on tinfoil. He was airlifted to hospital as he had cooked himself.

I spent 3 months in Belize working in a school in Dangriga. I took 6 bottles of sun lotion. All factor 50. The kids used to laugh when I put my lotion on and the teacher would explain that I lived in a country where we very rarely see the sun. The kids would also make sure I had an umbrella.

Anyway I came home with 2 small brown patches on the back of my hands and that was it. People thought I had been locked in a cupboard for three months.

So my affair with the sun has left me embracing my “casperness”  and wearing factor 50 on my face every day, even during winter, and then on the skin that I show during the summer.

So as you can imagine I shop around for sun tan lotion. I often by factor 50 children’s lotion, but since I have been researching for this post I have discovered that the only difference between adult and child sun lotion is that there is less perfume in the children’s lotion, and it’s more expensive!

I have to say I always stick with Boots for my lotion because of my blue tinged skin. If I tanned easily I would love to use hawaiin tropics as I love the smell and it makes me think of holidays with my easily tanned friends. Although buying sun tan lotion in supermarkets seem to be a good option. I would probably buy my lotions in Semi Chem or Superdrug, but Boots own make and Simple always works for me. And I have a loyalty card. I’m saving points to get myself one of those IPL machines, and a generator.

So there we have it. A wee post to remind you all that no matter our skin type we need to keep safe in the sun. And we don’t want to all end up looking like Magda.


However we can also opt for a wee fake tan. There is no harm in it. As long as you have friends who speak the truth and mirrors in your home.

The Beardy Man says……

12 May

I found a shop today. Everything was a pound! Can’t remember what its called. You should check it out.

C’mon feel the…..

6 May

…wrath of my hairdresser


Yep,that’s me on the far right.

I trust my hairdresser. And I love the fact I go to her house with a wet mop of hair, and leave in half an hour with exactly what I asked for. And it costs me 15 quid. However, over the years I have realised that we should not get into heated discussions as we both get very animated, distracted and I end up with less hair than I bargained for. This time the discussion was about the great North   South divide and the injustice.

The Beardy Man has been singing Slade songs, and I have been surprised at how many he knows, especially as he is a metal head.He has also been informing me that I will now be accepted for the Star Trek Vulcan Academy, despite failing my Klingon “A” level.

However, my hair grows quickly and going to a salon is out of the question as I hate being ripped off. And to be honest if you are a woman with hair and want it cut you get charged more than a man.

For example, the Beardy Man just got his hair cut today. He got a cut and blow dry. It cost him 12 quid!  It costs me 35 quid. I usually get the speech that I have long hair blah blah blah. But what they don’t take into account I just get the ends trimmed and my fringe cut! AND I’m not into all this product and straightening lark, or the styling blow-dry. My face often looks smacked and sunburned due to the inferno heat from the turbo charged supersonic hairdryer.  And I get to witness it all in front of a giant mirror next to the window that looks onto a busy street and is situated directly next to traffic lights.So now I just get on with it at home and save a fortune and my dignity.

So here goes for the low down on savings:

Hair Dye- Boots Botanics- £4.99 per box and sometimes 3 for 2. Roots touched up every fortnight (it’s a curse)

Hairdressing scissors-Boots – £10. Beardy Man cuts my fringe(extra bonus when he takes on the personality of a really grumpy hairdresser!)

Visit to my hairdresser every 3 months £15.00.

Just check out these price lists!

Rita Rusk      Monkey Business (I do like their website)    eurohair and beauty and the last 2 are at the cheaper end.

In some salons the price varies depending on the stylist attending to your head! I always pitch for the new start which is why I have had the hair bear bunch experience.

Ok it was the 80’s and spiral perms were in.

This isn’t me BTW but the perm is similar, only that I have a bald patch where my “widow’s peak” should be.

Once upon a time I had a “Louise Brookes” bob. I loved it.

The only problem was that due to my low neck line at the back I needed my neck shaved every 2 weeks. My pal called it “gorilla neck syndrome”.

Big Jack (my grandpa aka “Pop”) told me to go to “Shaky Jakes” the barber that he frequented for his “short back and sides”. I introduced myself and told him pop had sent me. But he wouldn’t shave my neck because I was female. Anyway he was shaking too much that I thought it best to leave well alone. So I let my pal Graham shave my neck every 2 weeks, with a bic razor.

I think most of my family suffer from commaphobia (ok so I made that up, I stuck some latin onto phobia) my big cuz Queen Marie is the same, and my brother has taken to the 2012 version of the comb-over and shaves his head with a blunt butter knife.

Anyway, it’s all about building up trust, and that’s what we all need to do with our hairdresser. They can make you look beautiful for a day, or you can be ugly for a whole 2 weeks. That’s the difference between a good and bad hair cut.

Well I’m off to find a winged gold jumpsuit and guitar. If I’m gonna be a whole load of ugly I may as well make some money out of it….

The Beardy Man says…

7 Apr

I was in the garage and I caught sight of a wee fat man on the shop cctv. He was wearing my t-shirt.
I turned to congratulate him on his excellent fashion sense, but no one was there. When did I turn into a wee fat middle aged man?