Love hearts and all that crap

I hate Valentines.

I did get a card from Donny Osmond when I was wee. He even hand delivered it as there was no stamp. He was on my door step!

And does anyone remember these that were usually written on the envelope?

I.T.A.L.Y.

S.W.A.L.K

H.O.L.L.A.N.D

U.R.U.G.L.Y

Ok the last one I made up.

But lets face it, it’s just another load of commercial bollocks. Or on the other hand  do we need a little escapism from this current climate?

Anyway I could go on about it but it’s just I hate the hype and all the crap you are pressured in to buying . Like ugly cuddly toys

and huge padded valentines cards

and sexy edible undies,beef jerky flavour.

So there I was in M and S. I have been on the hunt for their reduced in price chocolate and hoped I would find their “ginger discs”. Nae joy. And the usual 10 quid meal for 2  was still on. BUT it was now 20 quid as they added on a side and a box of chocs. After fighting my way through the false teeth and twin set brigade I was left bitterly disappointed. The chocolates they were throwing in were, quite frankly,in a word,shite. I could use big fancy florid descriptive words, it’s M and S after all, but shite sums it up.

So I just decided to buy enchiladas and bought veggie Percy pigs. Why veggie when I am scoffing chicken by the ton? Well, the pig sweets are made with PORK gelatin! How sick is that! There you are a cute wee pig spending your last days in your wee field knowing that your life will end soon to be turned into piggie sweets for spoiled weans! Pig suicides are on the rise.

You are probably wondering where the money-saving tips are. Well when it comes to food for a special occasion it’s better to buy what you want rather than what is cheap. Tesco and Morrisons are also offering the  10 quid meal deal, so you are better to shop around. Also I was given insider info on Waitrose. Wednesday nights the price of food is reduced as it is at sell by date. There is a delivery on a Thursday and they need to make space.So next Wednesday night I will be wearing my pearls and twin set and talking all posh pushing my golden trolley around Waitrose, and I will take no prisoners!

Hopefully they will be selling their Valentines cards cheap. And I will be posting this one  to Donny next year

Just don’t tell the Beardy Man or my breakfast in bed will come to an abrupt end.

I’m bored….

….so I’m eating my body weight and the Beardy Man’s in post-Christmas crap.

We got lots of tins of sweets and biscuits, and to stop us eating them we put them on top of our kitchen cupboards. Yep like that’s gonna stop us.If I can’t reach the bad stuff I’ll just buy a spider monkey to fetch it down for me.

So it’s almost gone, and we have cultivated lovely little wobbly bellies to show that we have appreciated our edible presents. Although the beardy man thinks I am boiling all his clothes and that is why they are tight. Bless. I’m such a good liar. There is nothing worse than a weeping man with moobs perched on the edge of the mattress.

But I just can’t help myself. I am greedy and slowly beginning to resemble a cross between Mandy Dingle

and Jabba the hut.

Aldi were selling off their Panettone for 2 quid! I couldn’t resist it. It has taken  a week and a half for me to scoff it. I cut it into big stars. I folded a slice in half and took it to work. Dear god it was fab. And cutting it in half means there are fewer calories. It does. No seriously. Something to do with breaking down molecules.

Oh but I didn’t stop there. Poundland are selling “Old Jamaica Rum” Chocolate.

It’s packging has changed and looks uninteresting. I would have bought more if it had the original wrapper!I have not seen it for years so I bought a bar then a pack of Thornton’s Continental, a peppermint aero ,then a milka bar, oh and jelly babies. I was disappointed that I did not spy any frys chocolate cream, and have been on a search for the past couple of days…and found it sitting snuggly under the counter of the old-fashioned sweetie shop “The sweet spot” at Hamilton’s Top Cross.They also sell macaroon bars of which I bought a few, and tablet (I can just feel my teeth rotting at the thought of the sugary deliciousness!)

The shop has been there for years. It has changed name and hands a few times, but it remains a popular shop and a permanent fixture in Hamilton. If you go in for one item, be warned you will buy loads of goodies that you don’t need. It’s retro sweetie heaven.

Then I decided to go and have a wee look in the body shop. I don’t normally bother, but I was exhausted after my sweetie trek and felt I deserved a wee treat. And lo, there for £9 was a delicious bargain to behold!

Yep chocolate for my skin! I asked the woman if I could have a spoon to taste the body scrub. That’s how delicious it smelled! So I bought them. They have been created for that nonsense Valentines Day.

I now smell so good and chocolately that I am in love with myself and I am off to buy myself a valentines card. I shall write it out with my left hand and post it when I am drunk. That way it will be a surprise.

I couldn’t agree more.

Elvis spotted in Glasgow

I saw him. I did! He was behind the counter in Watt Brothers.

You can always find a wee bargain at Watt Bros. The mammy worships regularly at the shop of wonder and much cheapest.Her photo is above the door.
So for those who don’t know, Watt Bros is the West Coast of Scotland’s best kept secret.
There are stores in Hamilton,Lanark,Clarkston and Glasgow.
You can buy anything from make-up to Egyptian cotton sheets to a big slipper

and big talking Elvis head

So there I was clutching a travel iron (£8) and a set of 6 table mats (£4) and looking at the Benefit and stilo make-up (£3-£6) when I saw Elvis behind the counter staring and winking at me.I was mesmerised.

It was £20.Yep £20! Bargain. Then Big Doc popped into my head. He would love it. He phones Elvis on his mobile when I am pissing him off. Having Elvis there to chat to would be the perfect birthday present.But I was travelling by public transport, and had just bought a whole load of clothes from Guccimark, so carrying Elvis was gonna be a problem.

I usually got the 4.55pm bus from Buchanan St bus station. And it was  usually the same driver.I called him Busface.

He never smiled. He would charge me full fare for Elvis, I was sure of it. If I hid Elvis in a bag he may suffocate or start singing, either way the bus journey would bring on a panic attack.I decided to leave Elvis and go back and get him the following week. Bad idea.

So I phoned all the shops. Elvis had left all the Watt buildings. I was sad. I decided not to tell Big Doc about the nearly Elvis present.He would have sacked me and found a new pal.

But I did go back and buy myself a lovely wax coat. You know the one, the one with the cape thing attached. It was purple. It was handy for when I was out and about for work in the pouring rain in the east end of Glasgow.

So then I realised that I was seeing women all over the city wearing the same coat. Different colours,same style and tartan lining.But one thing I noticed, all of the women were over the age of 60. And even the mammy commented on how minging it was. The coat is now part of my pig cuddling uniform, and they love to chew the zip and buttons.

However if you live in Scotland go shop at Watt. If you are from out of Scotland and might visit one day, please visit Watt as part of your bus tour around Glasgow, after all it is an institution and in between museums. Plus you can buy a whole load of Scottish crap and not get ripped off!

Happy shopping. And if you see Elvis, can you drop me an email? Ta.

The Beardy Man says…

Chest infection? Got a fever with that? I’ll turn off the heating.

The Beardy Man says

I bought you a kinnect.the xbox came with it.

A new edition to the family

Yes he arrived just before baby Jesus birthday…our wee baby Brennan.

The Beardy Man had bought me Classic Rock Magazine as there was an interview with Bill Nelson (an overlooked guitar hero).

As usual I didn’t get the chance to look at it first, the Beardy Man retreated to his office, the room where we keep the shower, to catch up on guitar gossip.Then I heard a stumbling as he tumbled into the living room clutching the magazine and his trousers. He was babbling and looking all bright-eyed as though he had discovered something wonderful and no-one else knew about it.Then he placed the magazine on my lap.There, gracing the page in all its petite glory was the “Baby Brennan”. Ahhh. I was smitten. Then he then explained all about the Brennan jb7.I wanted one. NOW!

We re-read the article and searched online. We read the official website info and watched the infomercials on youtube.We were very impressed. Then reality hit. How much would this cost? Given the rate of inflation and the cost of anything gadgety I decided that it would be nearly a grand.Then the Beardy Man said that it was just under £500 for 500 gb. A pound a gigabyte? Surely you haver? I thought about it for a nano second and then said “Lets buy it!”

We justified buying it as we had not bought each other birthday presents, as we didn’t know what we wanted and didn’t need anything at the time. And we were giving each other a warm firm hand shake for Christmas. So it was settled. We were getting one.

We cleared a space on top of our defunct minidisk player. The Beardy Man set about setting it up. It has it’s own built in amp so we could connect straight to the speakers. However we have a fab Arcam amp and big fek off Tannoy speakers so we rigged it up through these for the ultimate music experience. It has an alarm clock and we were awakend by Metallica followed by Puccini and decided to get up with Sugar Pie Desanto. Pure culture in oor hoose.

What I like about it is the simplicity of it. You upload your cd’s and then put them away or sell them. I use the random button and let it play whatever it wants. We have a pact, no matter how crap the cd it goes in the baby Brennan (psst….I love Rick Astley…don’t tell a soul…..thanks) but we blame the other for the bad taste cd (Beardy Man has some crackers…Bjork) We also have the option of downloading our tapes and LP’s and of course our mini disks. Some of our cd’s are not recognised so you have to put the info in manually using the dinky remote.The Beardy Man has a tantrum every time he puts Bjork into the jb7 as she is never recognised. It even recognises bad taste music,  how cool is that?

I just love the design, the sleekness, the simplicity and the tactile feeling of the remote.The remote is so small it fits in the palm of my hand, and I have wee hands. I buy children’s gloves.

Now it’s a family affair, my big Cuz Queen Marie is buying one, so is my uncle and my big Cuz David. We think Paw Kettle might get one too. Then we can have a baby Brennan party and link our jb7′s together and swap music!

So all in all it was a great Christmas, I looked after Santa really well and I was kept on to help clean the grotto and sort Santa’s clothes for next year. The Christmas dinner was fab, and I think my wee brother is moonlighting as a chef at some posh nosh place in the toon. And to top it all the mammy never mentioned the grim reaper.No not once. Well maybe when I was at the loo.

 

Health and happiness to all in 2012. Hope it’s a fantastic year!

The Beardy Man says

We need to check our lottery tickets. We could be millionaires.You can cut your shifts back.

Ooooeeeerrrrr Brabra!

Well obviously Barbara wasn’t wearing  supporting sports bra. Or was she?

(Warning! rant ahead)

How many times women have jogged by me in all the running gear only money can buy, and their girls (I know, I’m clutching my girls at the thought of that!) are just doing their own thing and I wince and think OUCH! Blokes, I know what you are thinking.

So sports bras, what are they all about? Well I think they are a con, because they are as mythical as a Hogwarts wand.If you are bigger than a “C” cup forget it. I have spent a small fortune over the years on sports bras and the girls were still leaping about. They can give me the sturdiest straps with maximum support but its the material that covers the girls that just doesn’t work. They still make a bid for escape.

Freya make underwired sports bras. Yes your read right, UNDERWIRED! Ok underwired bras are ok on your daily working girls, or the big night out girls, but how many of us have been impaled by the wire? I don’t fancy stabbing myself in the middle of a Zumba class. It’s so hard-core I might be lucky and they would move me to the side and deal with me later, or, just Zumba right over the top of me.

So I am none too happy. If you are a girl with a voluptuous pair and like high to extreme high impact (that’s aerobic apparently) you have to pay an extra amount of money, up to 10 quid dearer and I am not convinced they will work. Then to top it all I found this. Yes ladies I am thinking the same as you, skinny models no boobs, not real ladies with big girls. And have you noticed the pouting? Their information about damage that can be done is informative, but I was too busy hating them to listen. Blokes you can have that for your w@£k bank.

I have my own girl hugger which works very well for me.

I wear a fitting cotton t shirt

and 2 old bras. One is a “triumph” and the other is a “freya”. I have had them for years and although they are old and grey they are still sturdy. The end result of this 1,2,3 formation is that the girls are snug but not squashed, and they don’t move at all. No bounce. No jiggle. No chaffing on my raspberry ripples.

So ladies don’t believe the hype, find what is comfortable for you. Just because it has a sports label doesn’t mean it’s going to work. But if all else fails you can make your own.

Ladies, let me know your thoughts on sports bras! Blokes,I can guess!

 

Black Eyed Peas are playing in my house…

but I’d rather it was LCD sound system( a nice wee mashup)

After buying a boxything that records TV when it feels like it, I got a £10 off voucher from Argos (I hate that bloody advert). So I bought the Black Eyed Peas Wii disc for £20. I would never have bought it at £30! I do like a wee dance and sport my disco pants for such events.

Now the Wii has been gathering dust for a while, enough to make a twin set, and the beardy man sighed as I was doing the girlie thing of oooo where does this go and what size of batteries do I need?And to think I can clean an idle jet in an engine, fix the car when it catches a flat and drive in a snow storm.

So I switched it on, clutched the hand thingy and danced along to “Meet me half way”. Now, its all pixellated and there are dancers with wigs on, and I am none too happy. So after a few grape vines and hip thrusting and jumping for which I sport my miss mary of sweden, I thought, is this it? I searched for other levels thinking that I would then compete with real dancers and then get a gig with Fergie and she would send a limo round. But no. It just trundled through every tune with much the same moves with a dancer with a burning hand. It was so crap that Big Doc was up visiting and after laughing his head off at me as he passed the handthing to me and clocked up 400 points! WTF! So I use it for exercise and don’t even bother with the handthing.

And at one point I was even thinking of getting everyone involved on Christmas day. Lets face it I can’t see us moving all the zimmers out the way (mine included. Long story involving new job)  to bust a few moves but I can see us fighting for the I am most intelligent trophy. I have to say I am glad we have ditched who wants to be a millionaire. We ditched it after our 3rd Xmas. The mammy kept shouting out the answers even when it wasnt her shot. Called Chris Tarrant a poultice (he brings out the bad in people) and went in a huff.

So  I got to thinking what ever happened to the good old retro games? Asda are selling “monopoly” and “operation” as well as a new twist on kerplunk for £10. And I was thinking of good old monopoly.  But then I remembered I am crap at counting and the Beardy Man would be giving me arithmetic lessons and I would have a massive tantrum and hog the loo all day. So that game is out.

Operation? No too many people with jazz hands.

Cluedo? I get bored and make my own rules up. I also get it muddled up with murder mystery weekends. Miss Scarlet is a tart anyway. And Reverend Green is not a pillar of the community.

Charades? I love being so pretentious. I mimed “Love in the time of cholera” and have never lived it down for being up myself. But I did win. So there.

There are so many new board games out and some of them I have to say have me perplexed. The only way is Essex???? You have landed in Jades salon. You have ten minutes to give your grandma an all over fake tan and give your uncle a back crack and sack wax. GO! (Ladies, enjoy)

So I have decided that I am taking this along to my wee brothers to play after dinner.

With any luck it might break a finger or two and I won’t need to do the dishes. Or if I am feeling evil, really really evil, a wee game of twister right after dinner. I love Christmas me!

This is me……

…and don’t I look fetching?

I have the dreaded lurgy,cooties, snotters. I have that bug that is going about and the drugs aint cheap man!

So just as well I have been stocking up on ibuprofen,paracetamol,lemsips, hankies, honey and lemon cough bottle and smelly stuff to rub on my chest and all out of the pound shop. If I go to my local Lloyds pharmacy it would be mask and musket time.

I need to get rid of the Ebola before I start my new job. It’s a christmas gig. I have to take santa to the toilet. But the good thing is I am now earning money which means the Beardy Man is putting the heating on. It has been so cold in the house that  the christmas tree has de-bobbled itself and thrown itself on the wood burning pile.

I have also been tankin the whiskey and honey. A wee hot toddie does wonders, and I sleep like a baby. One of the main problems is the sneezing. It’s a dangerous involuntary action, and I have put my back out. Fab. They don’t sell Zimmers in the pound shop, but they do sell muscle rub gel and the heat patches. But of course I bought the wrong patches. I bought the heated PLASTERS. I stuck one to my lumbago. Time for bed and I had to take it off. Or rather the Beardy Man did after chasing me around the house explaining that he would rip it off quickly. I gave in. He ripped it off doing the “1,2,3″ thing. But ripped it off at 2. Bastard.

So all the fur came off too. It was so sore I put my back out again. So be warned and look for the pack of two that you stick to your knickers, not your hairy back.

Off to bed for me. Only 2 more sleeps ’til Santa and a box of rubber gloves!